Wasted Days and Wasted Nights

I am so ashamed of myself. I have wasted so much time and aggravation being fat.

If I had stayed on track from day one and lost the recommended 2 pounds per week, I would be 270 pounds right now. Although in my case, since I started at 328 pounds, I would have possibly lost an average of 3 pounds per week. In that case, I would be at 241 pounds.

241 POUNDS! I haven't been below 250 pounds since my junior year in HIGH SCHOOL! And it would have only taken 7 months! I wouldn't have had to starve myself. I wouldn't have had to kill myself in the gym. I wouldn't have had to spend too much extra money. I just needed to stick to it. And I didn't. Now I have wasted 5 months of my time.

We recently began attending our local church. We've lived in this area for over 18 months and we kept putting off visiting the church on the corner. This is just another example of me wasting time. Maybe I was afraid that when I began going back to church, that God would convict me in my selfish behavior. Well, that happened. What I didn't think about is that He would also provide an answer. He would provide me with the help that I needed to make changes. And He would give me hope and peace to know that I am strong enough, through Him, to change my life.

I love our new church. Specifically, I love the fact that our pastor is truly anointed. He has literally changed his Sunday morning message completely because he has felt God leading him in another direction. And every Sunday, it feels like he is speaking directly to me, like God knew what I needed to hear and put it on Pastor Jim's heart.

Being the Sunday after the 9/11 anniversary, our pastor spoke on "Numbering Your Days". Although the entire message was wonderful and uplifting, the ultimate points were these; Count your blessings every day and they will multiply, and Don't waste time!The History Channel had many shows on this weekend also focusing on 9/11 and the heroic stories that came about because of this tragedy.

And, in my Financial Peace University class Sunday night, Dave Ramsey told a story about one of his enthusiasts. Basically, the man was 28 years old and had been listening to Dave Ramsey's radio show for financial advice. Because of what he learned, he invested his money wisely, purchased the right kind of life insurance EARLY, and made the best choice for health insurance for him and his wife. And, although he was literally dying from brain cancer, he was at peace because he knew that his wife and their unborn baby would be okay and always have what they needed. This man came by Dave Ramsey's office on a September day to personally thank Dave for his advice and share how it has affected their lives. In early November, the man lost his battle to cancer, just days before his son was born. It was so quick.

One minute you're here. The next, you could be gone. Do I really want my time on this earth to be riddled with obesity? Do I want to die never knowing what it feels like to be pain free? Do I want to pass on a legacy of laziness and selfishness to my children?

Too Much Of A Good Thing?

Can you really become addicted to games? My husband told me yesterday that I was addicted to playing games online. He was half-joking, because he is always half-joking. But that means, he was somewhat serious.

The weird thing is, I was just thinking how I had been spending way too much time playing games online. So I did a Bing.com search. It turns out, you can become addicted to just about anything. But it isn't uncommon to become addicted to playing games online. The majority of the problem effects those who play role-playing games, such as World of Warcraft and things like that. Players begin to need to be in the game and use it as a substitute for real life and real relationships. There is actually an entire website dedicated to online gaming addiction. In true AA style, http://www.olganon.org/, or Online Gamers Anonymous, is a website that provides support to those who feel they are addicted to fantasy gaming.

Luckily, I never got into those types of games. The games I enjoy are Big Money, Dynomite, and Scrabble. There is also a different website I found through InboxDollars called winster.com. It has several different games that you play by spinning for pieces. When you get the right pieces, you can complete whatever puzzle you are working on and "cash in". That's right, you have to pay for the spins. But after you get so many points, you can turn those in for a prize. In my case, I use my points for money in my InboxDollars account. What is InboxDollars, you ask? Well, it's one of those sites that says, "Make money just by reading emails!". You'll have to wait for my next post to hear more about that. It does tie into the online gaming addiction, though. Because it seems to give me a reason, or justifies me being online so much.

Although I have never played and have no interested in fantasy gaming, I found the information provided on www.olganon.org to be right on target for me. I read through symptoms of online gaming addiction and found that, besides the "replacing real life relationships with online gaming relationships" symptom, that most of them fit my situation. I do end up spending more time than I had planned playing games, every night. And I continue to play them, even though I know there will be consequences.

What type of consequences could there be just because I play a game too long online? For me, it has been a stresser on my relationship with my husband. I end up staying up much later than I should playing games. When I do go to bed, I can't sleep and I wake up my husband by tossing and turning. Then I sleep most of the morning away and I don't do my housework in the morning. And I end up having to clean the house and do laundry with the baby awake and terrorizing me. Then, when my husband gets home from work, the clean dishes are still wet in the drying rack and he knows that I just started my housework at 3pm. And he has begun to resent me being a "stay-at-home mom" because the home I'm staying at looks as though a hurricane hit it. Now, I know that the little rant I just went on covered many more consequences than just my relationship with my husband, but they are all tied together, as you can see. What I didn't mention is that my wrist, shoulder, and back pain are more severe after having played games on the computer for hours. And I end up having to take medicine for it, which is usually Advil PM, and then I can't get up the next day. (You see this ugly pattern emerging?)

And I can always tell when I've begun to play games too much when, although I haven't gained much of the 30 pounds that I lost back, my stomach is bloated and my clothes don't fit. That's because I have become more sedentary, because I am playing games when I should be up doing housework.

So, Am I addicted to games? I think the answer is clear. Yes. What should I do? Well, I have two accounts, one I have paid for and one that is free. I am going to close the one that is free. The one that I have paid for, I will log in once a day to qualify for the daily spins that I have paid for, then log out. For the next 2 weeks, I WILL NOT PLAY EVEN ONE GAME ON THE COMPUTER. I will not search Craigslist, and I will not window shop. I will check my emails, check my bank accounts, pay bills, and blog. THAT'S IT! Hopefully, breaking this habit, or addiction, will help to straighten my sleep out.

Night Swimming

What do you think about as you are trying to fall asleep? Do you close your eyes and drift away within minutes? Yes? Well, thank you for reading, but this isn't for you. To all of those who toss and turn for hours, wishing to be sound asleep, like your spouse next to you, this is for YOU. So, what keeps you up at night? Do you obsess about all of the housework that needs to be done the next day, or worry about not waking up in time for an appointment? What about night dreaming? That is my own phrase that means day dreaming at night. You're not quite asleep, but you're still off in your own little world. It's just like a dream, but you can control it. Sometimes I try to pretend I'm asleep, hoping I would slip into dreamland. But it usually doesn't work.

I am unusually lucky, because I have the freedom to catch up on my sleep during the mornings. But I hate it. I feel nocturnal. I feel like I am much more awake and active once the sun starts going down and it cools off. The days have been close to 100 degrees all summer and I feel it in the house. It's almost like there are weights attached to my limbs until around 3pm everyday.

One day, I hope, I'll be able to sleep like a normal person. I'll lay down in bed around 10pm, close my eyes and fall fast asleep. Until then...